my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
