YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
