Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
