Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
