My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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