I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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