this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
