Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
