"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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