the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
why do cheetos always look like penises
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
