can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
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Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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