I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
