What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
