I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
