its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
