Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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