Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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