If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
