So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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