I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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