I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Found your dick twin last night
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
