Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
