I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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