I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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