She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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