Your mouth is God's brothel.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
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He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
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You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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