Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
