are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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