he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
