this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
