i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
