There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
