So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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