don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
