don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
