Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
