I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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