don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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