i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
