you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
