Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
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My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
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remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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