i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
