bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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