Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
