I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
