just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
