I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
