So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
