How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
