Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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