he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
