I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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