It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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