I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
