i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
