Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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